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Let's all laugh at Chelsea. Oh yes, and Brentford

A lighthearted look at our rivals.


Parents are advised that this page contains some strong language

Chelsea F.C.

Got any Blue nose or Brennie jokes? Send em' in!

Q: Why do people take an instant disliking to Chelsea fans?

A: It saves time!

Q: Name three football clubs that contain swear words?

A: Arsenal, Scunthorpe and Fucking Chelsea.

Q: What's the difference between a Chelsea fan and a Walrus?

A: Ones fat greasy and smells of fish - the others a Walrus.

Q: Whats the difference between a Chelsea fan and a supermarket trolley?

A: The trolley has a mind of it's own.

Q: Whats the difference between a Chelsea fan and a computer?

A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.

Q: What should you do if a Chelsea fan throws a grenade at you?

A: Pull the pin and throw it back.

Police who found an MP dead at his home wearing a Brentford shirt changed him into stockings and suspenders before the press arrived to save his family from embarassment.

You know you're a Chelsea fan if

A three course meal is a Mars Bar and a can of lager * You think that Dom Perignon plays in your reserves * The value of your car goes up and down depending on how much petrol is in the tank * Your family tree goes in a straight line * Your Dad walks you to school, then starts hanging around * Your parents met through an advert on a postcard in the side window of an Indian newsagents * You think a Volvo is part of a womans anatomy * You can tell your age by the amount of rings around the bath tub * You go to a family reunion to look for a date * Your number plate is personalised because your Dad made it in prison * Your brother in law is also your uncle, your cousin and your step brother * The samaritans put the phone down on you

A questionnaire for Brentford fans

How many cars do you have jacked up on bricks outside your council house? One, two, I live in a caravan?

Do you have a girlfriend that charges you for sex? Yes, No I don't have a girlfriend, I prefer men, I have to blow her up first?

Was your first sexual experience with A man, a Brother, a Parent, never had a sexual experience?

The last time you entered a three bedroom house was you At your probation officers home, visiting a brothel, a burglar?

Have you ever been mistaken for John Merrick, Peter Beardsley, The Guy on bonfire night?

Do you believe that Incest is Something that smells nice, a common and acceptable family practice, someone who is very angry?

A good Chelsea fan has at least two of the following:

A pitbull or Staff called Tyson * A dog that barks all night keeping all your neighbours awake * A sexually transmitted disease passed on by a sister * A Ford Bandwagon * A blow up doll thats say's "no" * A regular job selling the Big Issue *

A Chelsea fan was accused of assualting an old lady and was standing in a Police identity parade. When the old lady appeared the Chelsea fan shouted: "Yeah, that's her alright!"

What do you say to a Chelsea fan with two black eyes?

Nothing, you already said it - Twice!

This little lad (a Fulham fan) is desperate to speak with the Pope who's visiting town in the Morning. Knowing that the Pope is a big football fan the little boys Mother suggests that he wear his Fulham shirt so as to get noticed.

"He's sure to see the shirt and to stop and speak with you" Say's his Mother.

The next day, the little boy stands in the crowd proudly wearing his beautiful white Fulham shirt. As the Pope mobile draws close the Pope see's the little lad, smiles but doesn't stop.

Then, to the little boys horror, the Pope mobile comes to a halt and the Pope steps off to talk with a little boy wearing his scummy blue Chelsea shirt.

Devastated, the little boy asks his Mother what to do... "I'm desperate to talk to him Mummy" say's the boy.

"I know" Say's Mother "The Pope comes to Town again tomorrow and this time we'll dress you in a Chelsea top - that way he's bound to stop and say hello"

So the next day the little boy waits in the crowd once more, only this time dressed in a Chelsea shirt.

Sure enough, as the Pope mobile draws closer the Pope see's the little lad and orders the driver to come to a halt. He steps of the Pope mobile, walks up the the boy, bends down and say's;

"I thought I told you to fuck off yesterday"

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